kyle+sammie once again/i'll only call you a friend

[{Kyle-Dasha}]

Kyle was waiting for Sammie. What else was new? He had texted her to meet him in the library, he did have to catch -up on all the homework he had missed in his week in the mental institute. He had been so close to yelling at Dasha when he heard she had told Sammie. Kyle had told Dasha not to, but Sammie was going to find out anyway. I mean, he was gone for almost a week, she was bound to notice.

He was calm; the new medication was having a new affect on him. He wasn’t the old, dull Kyle, but he defiantly wasn’t the hyped-up-hearing-voices Kyle. It was strange for him to feel different again. Instead of not feeling anything he felt what seemed like just enough. He had no need to cut anymore. Whenever he looked at his wrists and saw the faint scars he felt sick. How could he have done that to himself? It had been pathetic, he had been pathetic, but that was all over now. He was a new person it seemed. He had kept his hair black instead of letting it grow out, it just felt more comfortable that way. It wasn’t about being stylish or trying to fit it, it was about coming to terms between who he was and who he was going to be. He also just thought he looked better with black hair. Other then that, he was completely the same. Same random t-shirt, same random jeans.

Going away for a while had helped him realize a lot of things. He had been able to get away from everyone and that felt nice. He was able to think his own thoughts. For the first few days he had just sat in his room and thought, relishing the new medication. It was amazing to be able to think freely with no thoughts of suicide or stupid voices in his head.

He sighed and pushed away his finished math sheet and took the picture out of his binder. He had drawn a lot during his time at the institute. He had drawn everything he could. He had drawn friends that he had made, nature he enjoyed. Once his friend had snapped a picture of the person giving them medication. The look of confusion and surprise on the man's face had astounded Kyle. He had spent an entire day trying to recreate the look and finally had. Thus, he had decided to draw something for Sammie. He had looked at the large tree in the yard of the institute and smiled. He drew the tree and every leaf. Then he drew a boy and a girl, hugging the tree and looking ahead. The tree was so wide that the boy's and girl's fingers only touched. The girl had dark, straight hair wore a cap with a puff on top of it. She wore a long jacket, tights and boots. The boy didn't wear a hat and had somewhat spikey hair. He wore a leather jacket, jeans and sneakers. The boy and girl weren't Sammie and Kyle…they didn't resemble them at all, but he still loved the drawing. It wasn't colored in away way, simply shaded in pencil.

He was here to make sure they were over. He loved Sammie. He wasn't sure how to explain it to the councilors. It wasn't corny teenage love and he did want to marry her more then anything else. Yet, she was his first love. They had tried to convince him that maybe he didn't love her as much as he thought. But he did. That's why he had to make sure they were over for good. He had seen that look in her eyes at the boardwalk. It was fear. She was scared of him. Kyle had almost hit Ben, who knows what he would do the next time he lost control. Everyone told him he would never lose control again, the medication would work this time, yet he couldn't be 100% sure. He didn't want to hurt her and he thought that one day he might. Yes this was emotionally hurting her, but physically hurting her was worse. A broken arm would heal, but he would never be able to forgive himself. But…but what if it was even more then a broken arm? What if it was a broken skull? He refused to do that to her. He refused to have him scared of her.

[asf!]

if we walk away now, there's no turning around.
gotta say what i mean while you're with me.
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[{Kyle-Dasha}]

He just knew it. He knew the exact moment when she walked in the door and he looked up. Oh, wow. Was all he could think. All of the things he wanted to say to her were gone and all of his thoughts were clear out of his head. He just watched as she walked in and sat in his lap. He gasped lightly as she sat in his lap and kissed her.

As her soft lips pressed against his he forgot that he was dangerous for her and let himself relax. He held her close to him and pressed himself deeper into the kiss, feeling her against him and loving every moment of being around her. Then he remembered, he couldn’t be around her. He pulled away suddenly. “Your not making this any easier for me.” He said softly. He looked at her and shook his head a bit. He pulled another chair close to him and shifted her over to the other chair.

“Sammie. I love you too. I love you so much that I can’t really explain it in words.” He closed his eyes softly and then looked at, but not in her eyes. “When I left we weren’t together…and I think we should stay that way. I know you just needed some time, but now I think we should break up for good.” He sighed. “Just…that night at the dance made me realize that I could hurt you. I would never want to physically hurt you, I’ve…I’ve really thought a lot about this.” He took her hand and squeezed it lightly. “I’m not good for you, my medication failed once and I can do it again. I don’t want to take that risk, you mean too much for me. Beside, without me you stopped cutting, I’m sure you could do so much more. Pleas understand that I care about you so much.” He bit is lip as he finally looked into her eyes.

Now that he thought about it, it probably wasn’t the best idea to break up with her in a library.

[asf!]

if we walk away now, there's no turning around.
gotta say what i mean while you're with me.
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[/color] She said softly, her nostrils flaring angrily. She took a deep breath before standing up. Sammie crossed her arms across her chest, feeling the tears building up in her throat. For a second, she thought she was going to start crying, but she kept telling herself she couldn't. She just laughed. It wasn't her normal laugh. It sounded evil, torn, and confused. It was nervous and unusual. She shook the curls out of her face, her eyes glazed over with tears. Sammie wouldn't let them fall no matter what. She kept it all bottled up inside. Deep down, she knew she'd let them fall eventually.

She felt like she couldn't talk. If she talked, she'd cry. Sammie didn't understand why she was so upset. She knew this would have to happen some day, but she didn't expect it to happen so soon. Sammie cleared her throat, trying to force the tears back. It was useless. They fell down her cheeks. It wasn't even that that kept her from talking, it was the tears in her throat. It was the sob that was trying to jump out of her throat. It was pushing at the back of her chest, the pressure enormous. "Why the hell do you keep doing this, Kyle?" The girl choked out, tucking her hair behind her ears. "Why do you confuse me? You say you'd never hurt me, you say you love me, and then you pull stunts like this. Why can't you just understand it?!"

It only took a minute before she was sobbing. She took a deep breath, standing above him. "Why can't you just see that no matter what I love you? That no matter what you do to me, I still love you. Why can't you just fucking see that? WHY!" When Sammie realized she was screaming, she attempted to breathe, inhaling a deep breath. She slid down the book shelf near by, pulling her legs to her chest. The mascara tears ran down her cheeks as if they were running from her tear filled eyes. Sammie shut them tight before looking up at Kyle. "It's you. I didn't mess up. It' you. It always was." Sammie whispered to herself, shaking her head and continuing to sob.

Why do I love you? Why do i love you so so much?

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[{Kyle-Dasha}]

Kyle watched her fall apart. He felt so helpless. He wanted to hug her, wanted to tell her everything was going to be alright…but he was the one causing the pain. He also knew that if he touched her and held her, he would never be able to let go of her. He bit his lip hard and watched her yell at him. He blinked a bit and sighed. She wasn’t listening. That happened a lot really, she just didn’t listen.

Her laugh scared him…it scared him a lot. At that moment, there was someone not Sammie, something else, something different. He reached out to her but pulled back, not sure if she would even want him anymore. He knew that she was angry at him but he had to understand!

He walked toward her. “Sammie, listen. Please, for once actually listen to me. I love you. Know that I will always love you, but my medication. It stopped working. They sort of explained it to me. My only worry is…what if it happens again? What if I take my medication but it still doesn’t work? I could physically harm you. I could slap you, I could break your arm, I could do so much worse. I will not let myself do that.”

Then…then she said something. "It's you. I didn't mess up. It's you. It always was." He took a step toward her then crumpled the floor. He wasn’t sad, his medication wouldn’t allow that. He wasn’t angry either. He was just, confused. “You’re right. It always is me. I’m the one with the mental disease. I’m the one who’s medication didn’t work. Apparently I’m the one that kept you from your friends. I’m the one who always screws up. I admitted it. That’s why I don’t want to get back together with you. Because I know I’ll screw up again. But this time…this time it could be worse then causing emotional tears, this time it could be worse then a bad memory.” He sighed.

“Permit me this one moment of selfishness. If I ever physically harmed you in any way. Even if I came close to, I couldn’t live with myself. Sammie, if I ever hurt you, no matter how small, I couldn’t live. It’s not depression driving me to say this; it’s the truth. You and I have to accept the fact I’m not good for you. I cause you all this pain all the time. When we’re together it’s amazing and I love it, but you know it never lasts that way. We love each other but we can’t be together.” He reached out gently and tilted her head up a little to look him in the eyes.

“Just hear me out, these last few words. Just listen. This is all I want to say, this is all I need to say. Sammie, I love you more then I have loved anyone, and will ever love anyone. I could not live if I ever lay a finger on you. I might do that and I don’t want to risk it. Please…please step into my shoes and try to understand what I’m saying. Try to empathize with me.”

[asf!]

if we walk away now, there's no turning around.
gotta say what i mean while you're with me.
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[/color] Sammie questioned, snapping back into reality and yanking her hand out of her pocket. Suddenly, it was back to where she was before. She wasn't in the library. Just the institution with herself and Kyle. When he reached out for her, she reached back, but him pulling back just ripped her apart. She had reached her arms out like a little child, begging for its mother. Sammie chewed on her bottom lip harder, listening to his words. "I never said you weren't good for me. I can handle it." She declared through hard sobs.

Sammie knew deep down that Kyle was right, but she also knew that Kyle would never lay a hand on her. It was just one of those things she knew couldn't happen. She cleared her throat, trying to get the sobs to disappear. She shook her head, looking from Kyle, to her legs. "Stop. Stop lying to me, stop saying that, just stop it, Kyle, just stop it!" She practically screamed, her hands over her ears. Sammie felt like she could no longer breathe, her heart rate sky rocketing. Where was that little silver blade.

"Stop telling me you love me. Stop lying."

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[{Kyle-Dasha}]

Kyle watched the emotions flit across Sammie’s face. Her eyes seemed like they were far away, so very far away. Kyle wanted to shake her, wanted to wake her up, but he thought that he couldn’t. He wasn’t powerful enough, he wasn’t strong enough for her. He watched her tickle her skin and was confused, very confused, but then his eyes saw her hand move toward her pocket. She didn’t pull anything out of that pocket, but he had to look anyway. Metal, cold metal touched his skin and he took out the blade.

“Oh Sammie.” He whispered. He looked in the blade and saw himself and closed his eyes. How could he have done this to her. He looked at her once more and held up the blade. “You told me it took two months. It took two months without me to give up this blade. And now? It hasn’t even been a month Sammie and you’re already back to this. This is what I do to you Sammie. How can you say I’m good for you? And yes, yes I need you to listen to me! I need you to understand me! Step into my shoes. Just for a moment, just look through my eyes, try to see what you see. I’ve tried to step into your shoes and now I need you to step into mine. I’m trying NOT to hurt you, I’m trying to avoid that. Yes I know this is emotional pain but you are a strong woman, you can get over it without your blade. You have friends, you have others around you who care more then you give them credit for.”

“No…no this isn’t about if you can handle it or not. For some strange masochistic reason you love me and for the same masochistic reason I love you back. Sure you can handle it but I can’t, I’m not strong. I can’t look at you and know that I’ve harmed you. I can’t go to a hospital and lay by your bedside and know that I CAUSED it. I just can’t do that Sammie.”

Kyle shook his head. “How can you say that? Here, let me prove I love you.” He held her chin and drew her close to him and kissed her. It wasn’t needy but it wasn’t quick. It was passionate, yet not in a sexual way. It was a kiss filled with their first meeting to their first kiss. From their fist argument to this moment and everything in between. He didn’t try to make her understand, now he just kissed her and let the whole world fade away, let everything become unimportant. All that was, was Sammie and Kyle. That was it. He finally pulled back and looked her right in the eyes. “I don’t lie about love Sammie.” He said breathlessly.

[asf!]

if we walk away now, there's no turning around.
gotta say what i mean while you're with me.
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[/color] she was cut off when he kissed her. Sammie kissed him back, but she was angry. She was so angry when it was all over; she shoved him off of her. “Well I don’t need YOU.” She pulled her sleeve down again, and then crossed her arms across her chest.

”Ben was right from the start. You are no good for me. You are NOT anything. You just love it. You love to see me confused. Well guess what? I’m NOT confused anymore, and I’m NOT going to fall for your amazing words, because your words are absolutely nothing if they aren’t backed up. If you talk, you better walk, you better back your shit up.” Sammie shoved him away, starting to walk away, but the anger just boiled in her veins. She spun on her heels, turning to face him. “It’s okay, you know why? Ben. Treats. Me. Right. I’m going back to him. I’m going back to his open arms and letting him treat me well.”

Just when she thought she was finished, she shook her head, starting to talk again. “You don’t mean anything, I don’t want you, I don’t need you, I never loved you. You’re NOBODY to me. You’re MY mistake.” Sammie emphasized her words, waiting for a reaction before she would run away.

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[{Kyle-Dasha}]

He shook his head. “I don’t care if you use it or not. It’s there, it’s the temptation. I mean…I used to carry my blade around when I didn’t cut, just to have it there, and then of course I started cutting again, there are different things other then cold, sharp, pieces of metal that could provide security…” He pointed out.

He gasped a bit as she shoved him off. He obviously wasn’t getting through to her at all. Shocker. He tilted his head. “Good, if you don’t need me this should be quite easy.” He stated calmly. Then he nodded. “Exactly, I know I’m not good for you, that’s what I’ve been saying all along but you said you didn’t care. I hate to see you confused and hurt, you should know that.” Then he nodded enthusiastically. “Yes! You should go to Ben, he can do so much more then me, he can protect you and love you in a way that I will never be able to. So please, do go back to him, I’m glad you’re finally listening to me.” He said, with a calm honesty look in his eyes.

As she shoved him away the second time he fell, it didn’t hurt that much though, he just sat against the bookshelf. “No, you’re lying. You might be angry at me now, but we both know that I love you and you love me back, which is why it’s so hard to say good bye. If you didn’t love me, would you be so angry at me right now?” He shook his head then he sighed. “And no, I’m my parent’s mistake. You know, I used to think, every day, that my parents should have just aborted me or just left me in a ditch somewhere to die…would that have been better for you Sammie? Just to have never met me?” He said, yet there was a small, very faint smile on his face. He wasn’t depressed or suicidal anymore. He had a reason to live and even though Sammie probably wanted to kill him right now, he did have people who cared about him.

[asf!]

if we walk away now, there's no turning around.
gotta say what i mean while you're with me.
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[/color] She practically growled, shifting her weight from one hip to the other. She was so angry with him saying she would cut again that it was ripping her to pieces. "Look, I'm not like you. I'm not going to falter and fall to the ground and start slicing myself again because one little thing goes wrong. I do have people that care, you know." She responded with her little smart-alec attitude. She chewed on her bottom lip, the anger just boiling even more.

"No, Kyle you've got it all wrong. See, I don't have to listen to you. I don't have to have somebody to point me in the direction I'm supposed to be going. In fact, I'm becoming quite independent." Sammie lied, nodding his way. She was quite a ways away from him now. If she was any closer to him she'd end up shoving him again. He was so weak, falling into the bookcase. She wanted to laugh. She wanted to laugh that evil, maniacal laugh that she laughed when she was angry.

“No, you’re lying. You might be angry at me now, but we both know that I love you and you love me back, which is why it’s so hard to say good bye. If you didn’t love me, would you be so angry at me right now?”

She left it at that, bursting into laughter. Sammie shook her head, getting some of her brunette curls out of her eyes. "I am angry with you because you assumed that I was cutting again. You may cause me stress, but the fucking world doesn't revolve around you, does it? No, Sammie it doesn't. Good job, Kyle." Sammie finished the conversation for him, chuckling at her sarcasm and how dark humored she was acting. She ignored the comment about him being a mistake. It was only because he wanted her to feel bad.

Sammie laughed again, flipping up both middle fingers in his direction. "Goodbye, Kyle! Have a nice life!" Then turned on her heels to leave, feeling quite satisfied with herself.

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