Post by _bjscw on Jan 19, 2009 4:15:25 GMT -5
I don't think I'm very good at showing people who I am. If every person I ever touched lives with was asked to describe who I was, using as much detail as they possibly could... I don't think any of them would get the answer right. What I put out there for everyone to see is an incorrect image, a picture that doesn't represent me in the slightest way; I don't do it for shallow reasons like fitting in, or trying to seem like some superior being. I just can't show people who I truly am. Something is standing in the way of my ability to display my real emotions and opinions. I don't have the slightest clue what it is, though. Perhaps it's just another flaw I've been born with - a quirk about myself that I'll forced to live with forever.
I want my mother to understand that I do not create problems in my life just to add to her stress, or to get on her nerves. These issues I have with my body and myself come from something deeper, something I can't explain thoroughly. They are not a simple ploy for attention. If anything, I would forever love to throw my problems away and help her solve out her own. Her life is complicated enough without having an unstable daughter that can't control her emotions. But I don't do this on purpose. I just wish she would see what I feel every day, waking up and going to school in this strange body - living a complete lie. I don't come up with these feelings to destroy her own sanity. Sometimes I just need a hug from her, some simple comfort reminding me I have my dear mother on my side. But that's not how she sees things.
Then I have my brother, who thinks I'm an uncontrollable freak, who honestly wishes I'd fall off the face of this planet and never bugged him again. It's not an assumption - he constantly reminds me of his pure hatred for my existence. Oh, how he wants me to wilt away quietly, like a forgotten bouquet of roses in the corner of an empty stage. He doesn't look past the screaming and crying brat he's lived with all his life. He sees no hurt or worry behind my actions - he sees a desperate girl looking for approval from her older sibling. And yes, in some ways he's right; a small part of me will always be searching for love from her brother, trying to find the warmth she sees in the television show families all the time. But that is not my biggest concern anymore. I just want him to know that I don't do anything seeking his comments or judgments. I will leave him alone as long as he leaves me be. Maybe I won't wilt away, but I can remove myself from his world if he pleases.
My dreams don't even seem to get what I'm trying to say. I work my hardest to get what I want. I practice vigorously and I study hard, doing anything I can think of and beyond that just to get where I need to be in order to accomplish my dreams. But it still doesn't work. I'm always falling one step behind, and I can't fit the mold of the place I want to be in my life. It's so right in my heart, but when I go ahead to actually do it, a barrier appears and I can't get across it. I'm not allowed to follow my dreams - I'm not important enough, I'm not special enough, I'm simply not good enough. I can't do anything right, and when I try to convey my hopes and thoughts to my dreams, they laugh blatantly in my face. I'm silly for thinking I could actually get that far in my life. Silly girl.
And then there's you. You're just another average teenage boy, dating around to have fun and not be taken seriously. Everything about you is carefree and simple, as it should be. You're doing everything right for someone your age, and I can't even begin to describe how far I've gone with our relationship. My thoughts at night revolve around you, wondering what you're doing, how you're feeling, if your mother's new boyfriend is still bugging the crap out of you. I've let myself fall deeply in love with you, and it scares me endlessly. Although you claim to want me now, telling me I'm beautiful and that you'd never leave me... I know who you are. I know that soon you'll get tired and move on, keeping pace with your normal lifestyle. That's exactly what you should do, and I've only messed things up for myself by letting my emotions get the best of me. I'll be stuck loving you for years and years, and for that I can never forgive myself. I'm tainting the innocence of your teen hood with all this nonsense about commitment and true love. Don't feel as if you're stuck with me though, please. I want nothing more for you than to run off with some other pretty girl and continue living the way you should. Don't try to feign love with me - I refuse to spoil the best years of your life. I love you that much. I can't let you waste it all on someone like me, a person who keeps making dumb mistakes.
But none of these people will hear my thoughts out properly. They'll go through their lives with their current judgments of me, never knowing what I truly felt of them, what I truly intended the most. I wish I knew how to tell them what I feel, but as easy as it sounds, it's an impossible task for me. Nothing ever comes out right, and they always imagine the wrong picture in their heads. Then they get stuck on that idea, and there's no pulling them out again.
It's all a mess. An utter mess.
I want my mother to understand that I do not create problems in my life just to add to her stress, or to get on her nerves. These issues I have with my body and myself come from something deeper, something I can't explain thoroughly. They are not a simple ploy for attention. If anything, I would forever love to throw my problems away and help her solve out her own. Her life is complicated enough without having an unstable daughter that can't control her emotions. But I don't do this on purpose. I just wish she would see what I feel every day, waking up and going to school in this strange body - living a complete lie. I don't come up with these feelings to destroy her own sanity. Sometimes I just need a hug from her, some simple comfort reminding me I have my dear mother on my side. But that's not how she sees things.
Then I have my brother, who thinks I'm an uncontrollable freak, who honestly wishes I'd fall off the face of this planet and never bugged him again. It's not an assumption - he constantly reminds me of his pure hatred for my existence. Oh, how he wants me to wilt away quietly, like a forgotten bouquet of roses in the corner of an empty stage. He doesn't look past the screaming and crying brat he's lived with all his life. He sees no hurt or worry behind my actions - he sees a desperate girl looking for approval from her older sibling. And yes, in some ways he's right; a small part of me will always be searching for love from her brother, trying to find the warmth she sees in the television show families all the time. But that is not my biggest concern anymore. I just want him to know that I don't do anything seeking his comments or judgments. I will leave him alone as long as he leaves me be. Maybe I won't wilt away, but I can remove myself from his world if he pleases.
My dreams don't even seem to get what I'm trying to say. I work my hardest to get what I want. I practice vigorously and I study hard, doing anything I can think of and beyond that just to get where I need to be in order to accomplish my dreams. But it still doesn't work. I'm always falling one step behind, and I can't fit the mold of the place I want to be in my life. It's so right in my heart, but when I go ahead to actually do it, a barrier appears and I can't get across it. I'm not allowed to follow my dreams - I'm not important enough, I'm not special enough, I'm simply not good enough. I can't do anything right, and when I try to convey my hopes and thoughts to my dreams, they laugh blatantly in my face. I'm silly for thinking I could actually get that far in my life. Silly girl.
And then there's you. You're just another average teenage boy, dating around to have fun and not be taken seriously. Everything about you is carefree and simple, as it should be. You're doing everything right for someone your age, and I can't even begin to describe how far I've gone with our relationship. My thoughts at night revolve around you, wondering what you're doing, how you're feeling, if your mother's new boyfriend is still bugging the crap out of you. I've let myself fall deeply in love with you, and it scares me endlessly. Although you claim to want me now, telling me I'm beautiful and that you'd never leave me... I know who you are. I know that soon you'll get tired and move on, keeping pace with your normal lifestyle. That's exactly what you should do, and I've only messed things up for myself by letting my emotions get the best of me. I'll be stuck loving you for years and years, and for that I can never forgive myself. I'm tainting the innocence of your teen hood with all this nonsense about commitment and true love. Don't feel as if you're stuck with me though, please. I want nothing more for you than to run off with some other pretty girl and continue living the way you should. Don't try to feign love with me - I refuse to spoil the best years of your life. I love you that much. I can't let you waste it all on someone like me, a person who keeps making dumb mistakes.
But none of these people will hear my thoughts out properly. They'll go through their lives with their current judgments of me, never knowing what I truly felt of them, what I truly intended the most. I wish I knew how to tell them what I feel, but as easy as it sounds, it's an impossible task for me. Nothing ever comes out right, and they always imagine the wrong picture in their heads. Then they get stuck on that idea, and there's no pulling them out again.
It's all a mess. An utter mess.
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