harder than you know ,

[rcbcbsn. (ℓ)]

*

[/color] baby don't talk to me ,[/size][/font]
- - - - - - - - - i'm trying to let go .[/size][/center]

two years of rylee's life had been filled with one particular boy. ever since the end of seventh grade she had been attached at the hip with him; they had done everything together. and when they hadn't been doing anything together, rylee had spent all of her time thinking about him. asher had been the first boy that she fell in love with. for two years they had been the 'it' couple at stewart - everyone knew they were together and no one messed around with that. ever. over the years, they had become a bit of a staple at stewart. the thought of rylee and asher not being together was unimaginable. the pair of them had been through a roller coaster - asher leaving stewart for awhile, followed by rylee leaving for awhile and then her getting sick. but they had always stuck by each other, no matter what. they had always toughed it out until things got better. it was just the way things were with rylee and asher. colin had always joked that the apocalypse would come if they ever ended things between them; the likeliness had been just that impossible.

but eventually, the apocalypse had come. it happened last year, within weeks of the end of the school year. the jamisons had been planning on spending time at the rosenberg house during the time, as they had visited them last summer. things were going well. at least, that was what everyone had thought. rylee and asher had still been rylee and asher; always sickeningly cute and happy. no one even guessed what had been going through rylee's mind. rylee barely knew what was going on in her mind. but she had started freaking out on the inside. everything seemed off to her. asher was too close all the time; most of the time she felt like he was hovering and suffocating her. it was then that she started dodging his phones calls and making up excuses for them not to hang out with each other - she had homework to do, her art teacher wanted to work with her on some pieces for an art show, her counselor was scheduling more appointments with her to make sure everything was alright before they spent two months apart from each other. anything that would make it so they weren't around each other all the time. even then she had known that she wasn't being fair to asher, but rylee couldn't help it. she had come to the crashing realization that she was barely fifteen and was already planning her life around a guy.

that was when she finally started listening to everything that her grandmother rose had always said. it wasn't normal for a fifteen year old girl to be in a two year long relationship. at fifteen you were supposed to be involved in those stupid little short relationships that didn't ever result in anything. you were not supposed to be dating the same boy for two years, saying he was the love of your life. rylee had always said that she didn't care when someone said such things about her relationship with asher, but she soon realized that she did care. after looking around and watching her friends enjoying their little flings that never amounted to much, rylee started worrying about being normal. it was around then, with barely a week left in the school year, that she had really freaked out. she had called up asher and asked him to meet her at the beach to talk. it was there that she had broken up with him. instantly she had regretted it, but she had fled back to her dorm room, not wanting to stay and sit around with an upset asher. that had been the biggest mistake of her life - she had spent the night in her dorm, crying, refusing to tell a worried brooklyn what was wrong. her gut told her that she should have gone right back to asher, apologizing and telling him that she didn't mean it, she was just being stupid.. but her heart hurt too much. it had shattered the moment she saw asher's face fall at the beach. so she had let things sit the way they were and days later, she had gone home with colin to new brunswick. only colin wasn't staying long; two weeks after they got home, colin had left for the rosenbergs', just as planned. and rylee had stayed home by herself.

at this time, rylee wished that she would be able to say that she had spent the rest of the summer by herself, but she hadn't. it was a few days after colin had left that rylee had made a decision. she wasn't going to spend the entire summer in her bedroom, wallowing. no, she wasn't going to spend the entire summer alone. so she had called up her old friends and gotten together with them. rylee had pushed all her feelings for asher to the back of her mind and let herself just been a normal teenager for a little while. during the course of the summer, rylee had had three of those nothing little flings. but they weren't as fun as she had hoped they would be. and they definitely didn't take her mind off of things. they had just been a temporary distraction for her. which had been perfect while she had been at home, away from every memory that she had with asher. it wasn't enough for being back at school. rylee had been back for three days and she was not doing so well. school had always meant asher for her but this year there was no asher. and it didn't help things that both brooklyn and nina had opted not to come back to stewart this year. rylee suddenly found her life void of every person she had cared most about at school. and she didn't like it one bit.

rylee had set out in the late afternoon sun, hoping to clear her mind a little bit. it had become much to cluttered for her over the past couple of days. she just needed to escape for a little while and so she turned to the streets of sacramento; the streets she had learned so well over the past three years. the girl didn't pay attention where she was going, she just let her feet carry her to wherever they felt like. soon she found herself at the beach. the scene of everything horrible. she should have turned and left right then, but she hadn't. rylee felt like torturing herself a bit, so she had crossed the sand and settled down near a rocky area to watch the sunset. and soon, her mind was a blank slate. no thought passed through the barrier and rylee just let herself feel like she was floating away, out of this world.

tagged , asher rosenbergerr.
status , complete
words , 1154
outfit , look at the banner. imagine. ;D
notes , them being broke'd up is strange. xD and sorry for the suckageee.

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[☮ ♥ ada]

look in my eyes, you’re killing me, killing me,
all i wanted was you.

The Rosenberg men were notorious for their pride. The women, too, displayed the same pride but in lesser amounts; they tended to break down after awhile and let people in to help then. The men never did that, though. They were Rosenbergs, the strong men from Copenhagen who could walk into a room and demand attention, or say they’d do something and get it done within the hour. They were smart, strong, efficient, and, to put it bluntly, too damn proud for their own good. Every Rosenberg male exhibited these traits at some point in his life, usually early on; the wives and daughters in the family had begun to wonder if such hubris could be genetic or if it was a result of being surrounded by prideful people. They’d come upon the conclusion that there had to be some link between the Rosenberg name and unquestioned authority, dignity, and almost… reverence, really. People tended to look up to the males of the Rosenberg family; they were everything other boys wished they were. They had it all.

Apparently those highly sought after genes had skipped Asher’s generation. That wasn’t true, though; he knew why he was different, and he knew it well. It was all because of Rylee. He’d met her and she’d changed him for the worse, he now knew. During those two years, Rylee was his everything. She was his sunshine, his sadness, his every jubilation, his every anger. His few friends on the drumline had warned him: they’d initially called him a wuss who’d sold out his manhood for some stupid girl. They’d heard about Rylee Jamison, the moody, ADD artist who always had paint on her jeans and her hair in a messy bun. Tyler and Josh had asked him why he thought she was hot; Dee, obviously the more sensitive of the three, had warned him that he was getting too attached. In the beginning, it was nothing. Just some girl Asher thought was cute. No one ever knew what it would spiral into.

In the beginning, everything was beautiful. Their relationship was simple and pretty: a few small dates, but nothing major. And then it started snowballing, till she was all he could think about. She was his air and he knew he was too attached to her when he left and he almost lost his sanity. Still, he kept diving in, deeper, deeper. She was like a drug and he was hooked, falling deeper into the chasms of her indescribable beauty. It wasn’t normal, Asher knew; it wasn’t like he cared. Early on in life, Asher had learned that different was good. The people who were different were the ones who knew how to speak for themselves, who didn’t follow the crowd like sheep. To quote Rilo Kiley, we’re not robots inside a grid, and Asher knew that. He was willing to risk everything for Rylee and she knew that. He knew she would never do anything to hurt that.

Never.

Asher’s trust in that one word had been completely shattered by Rylee’s recent actions. Well, maybe not so recent - her actions as of two months ago, roughly. Within the past two months he’d experienced more anger than he’d ever imagined he was capable of even possessing, let alone using. For the first time in his life, he’d experienced pure rage. Uncontrollable rage was, in his eyes, the best feeling in the world. Finally he was able to understand the pride of the Rosenberg men. For once, he felt that pride seep through his body, cascading in waves through his bloodstream, erupting, a volcano of fury from love. He had loved her and she had broken him. It wasn’t as though he’d been particularly hardened to the outside world before he’d met Rylee; she’d shaped him and she’d made him everything he was. She’d seen him act like a kid for two years. He wouldn’t deny that he still loved her. There was no doubting that; he would always love Rylee, till the day he died. Still, now he knew there was a slim chance he would never be in love with her again. The two were completely different things. Now was not the time for Rylee, though. Now it was time for him to step out of the shell she had created for him and into his own. Now was the time to focus on himself.

Asher knew this wouldn’t be easy. He knew that in order to progress, he had to learn from the past. And so began the delving into the history of his relationship with Rylee, down to the very nitty-gritty details. He was going to separate himself from everyone completely, and he had convinced himself it was the right thing to do. His dignity had gotten the best of him. He was finally beginning to realize he had a name to live up to, one that encompassed strength, honor, and pride. He had to assure himself that everything he did was right, no matter the consequences. What he had to do most was reinvent himself, completely. No longer was he Asher, the extremely hyper and overly clingy boyfriend of Rylee Jamison. He was Asher Evan Rosenberg, the fantastic drummer with a spirit on fire who would never let anyone prove him wrong again.

The boy knew getting to the root of his problem would mean visiting the source of all the heartache. After unpacking his things into his dorm - which was now void of any presence of Rylee - Asher had headed straight for the beach. He was going to sit and think, even if it killed his heart in the process. Because, although the reinvented Asher was proud of any action he made, he knew he had flaws. It was his duty to tackle those flaws before anyone else could see them - or, rather, before Rylee could use it against him. He wouldn’t admit it, but he was playing games with her now. With the recent change of tides, it was obvious that in order for him to be strong, he had to come out on top. There was to be none of this pitying Rylee nonsense. If getting out on top meant hurting Rylee in the process, he would do it. He just had to show her that she hadn’t completely broken his heart. He knew she had, but for now he was going to fake it and pretend she hadn’t.

The aroma of sand and sunscreen took him back and, as much as he didn’t like it, his olfactory senses deceived his ingenious plan of building his strength up. Immediately he found himself settled on the ground and staring down at the sand as image after image shone before his eyes, vivid as the first day he’d seen them. His attempts at submerging them had failed - it was like reliving the heartache all over again. As the waves crashed, so did the emotional stronghold he’d carefully crafted. The citadel was falling and Asher lay at the bottom of the heap, his mind in a shambles.

“Hi.” The word hit him like a knife and he didn’t know why. It wasn’t like Rylee hadn’t said hi to him before. But the way she had said it had been so… cautious, reserved. It almost seemed like the calm before the storm. There were a million adjectives to describe that one word and Asher couldn’t pin down any one of them. All he knew was he was scared, and that he wanted to run. He wanted to get away as fast as he could before she dropped the bomb, whatever it was.
“Hey, babe. You said we needed to talk,” he murmured in a questionable tone, stuffing his hands in his pockets absentmindedly.
“I… I think we should break up. I… I can’t do this anymore. You’re, you’re too much, Asher. You’re stifling me. I just… you have to let me go. You’re smothering me. It’s like I can’t breathe anymore. So, it’s just… I’m sorry, but we’re over.”

He couldn’t cry, he couldn’t think, he couldn’t speak. First he was in denial - half of him was sure Ashton Kutcher would pop out at any moment and announce that he’d been Punk’d. And then he realized it was true - the look in her eyes didn’t seem to speak otherwise. He spent the next minute simply staring into her eyes with a look so dejected that an abandoned child couldn’t match it. Not a word was spoken; everything was said through his gaze, a mixture of sadness and anger and confusion all at once… but mostly sadness.

“You can’t be serious,” he retorted in a soft, rejected tone.
“I am, Asher. This… it’s not normal. People aren’t supposed to date for two years. They’re supposed to have stupid, careless relationships…”
“So I was that? A stupid, careless relationship?” Asher questioned in a newly defensive tone, furrowing his brow.
“No, Asher, that’s not what I-”
“I don’t know about you, but the last time I checked, love wasn’t about being normal. Love was a special connection between two people that couldn’t be broken. I realize that… I guess you just don’t. So go ahead. Go have your stupid, careless relationship. But don’t come running back to me, because I know exactly what love is, and obviously you don’t,” he muttered. And with that, he knew Rylee had watched him fall apart in front of her own eyes - because Asher knew that, as long as he lived, what he said could never be true.

Asher sighed quietly, looking up into the glistening August sun. He hadn’t realized Rylee was there, nor did he care. All he wanted was to sit in the sand, sit in a love-drunken stupor, and let the silent solace of the summer breeze carry all his problems away.

[ooc] Sorry this sucks. I’m not good at conveying what he’s feeling. D;

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[rcbcbsn. (ℓ)]

*

[/color] baby don't talk to me ,[/size][/font]
- - - - - - - - - i'm trying to let go .[/size][/center]

two months and fifteen days had passed since the day that rylee asked asher to meet her at the beach, and since then her days had been filled with nothing more than regret. putting aside the fact that rylee had brought the entire situation to them, by the time she had gotten back to her dorm that night, she had quite literally felt like her world had ended. the easiest way to put it was like this; when she had been with asher she had been sitting in a room full of light where everything was within reach. now that she and asher were done, it was like sitting in a dark room, scrambling around to find the light switch. but she wasn't going to be finding one anytime soon, that was for sure. because the light had left her life two months and fifteen days ago, and it was because she had pushed him out of it. most of the time, rylee felt that it was wrong for her to be complaining about it so much. after all, she was the one who had broken things off. but she couldn't help it; she missed asher and no amount of punishing herself would change that.

and the past two months had been filled with punishing herself, though it may seem strange to you. rylee had thought that breaking things off with asher to have careless little flings was what she wanted. and when she thought that was what she wanted, she didn't go after it. but when she knew that was the opposite of what she wanted, she did. the way rylee saw it, fulfilling the reason why she had broken up with asher was exactly what she had to do to make up for it. breaking up with him and then only moping about it would only making him mad. because, obviously, he wouldn't get mad that she had been dating other people over the summer. several other people, actually. all of whom rylee allowed to walk all over her. they didn't matter, so rylee didn't bother to be herself with them. over the summer she hadn't been rylee jamison, the artist with ADD and stained jeans. she had been rylee jamison, girl of the summer. in a way, she was the best kind of girl to have for the summer - unattached, indifferent for the fact that it would be over in a matter of a week or two. that was what she wanted in these relationships. and that was exactly what she had gotten. that, and a little bit more.

during the summer, rylee had been thrown out of her comfort zone. the two and a half years she had spent with asher had been calm and gentle. he hadn't expected sexual things from her, that wasn't what their relationship was about. their relationship had been about them and their love for one another. summer boys didn't work like that. they expected a little action, and rylee had let them have it. she didn't push their hands away when they started creeping under her shirt, she just let them have at it. however, she did not let things go any farther than that. in her opinion she did deserve to get the jerk, but she wasn't going to lower herself low enough to let some tourist fling take her virginity. rylee had more self respect than that. the girl hadn't been raised in any religious manner, but she did believe that her virginity was something special. and she wasn't going to give it up like that. she was going to give it up to someone she loved, when she knew she was one hundred percent ready. up until two months and fifteen days ago, that person had been asher. these days she had no idea who would 'take her flower' but she knew that it was going to be someone she cared about. she still had her principles at least.

a sigh slipped passed rylee's lips and she let her gaze pull away from the cool blue water. it was then that she noticed that ashed had settled himself down only a handful of feet away from where she currently sat. she struggled to swallow a lump in her throat. damn, he looked good. had he gotten cuter over the summer? that's what it looked like. his hair looked longer, too. biting down on her lip, rylee fidgeted. she had dreaded this moment all summer - the time where she would actually have to face asher again. she knew that she wouldn't be able to just ignore him - that would be even more heartless and cruel - but she had hoped that their meeting would have been able to be postponed at least a good month or two. maybe more. mostly, rylee was petrified to find out that asher was actually doing alright without her, whereas she was a mess without him. she had broken up with him two months ago because she felt like she was losing herself. but it hadn't been until they were apart that she had actually lost herself.

colin could attest to the fact that rylee hadn't really been herself these last couple of months. it wasn't that she hadn't moped for that long, it was also the fact that she stopped doing a lot of things she loved. she hadn't picked up her sketch book in over two months. she hadn't painted, ran, or even played the piano with their father when they had been home, which was usually something that rylee did constantly. the fifteen year old had never really been good at any hand held instruments, but she could hold her own on the piano. it had always been the thing that she had shared in common with her father. that summer, though, everything was different. rylee had even taken to picking fights with her parents, just so she could lash out and get angry every once in awhile. it wasn't fair to them, but at that time it felt like she needed to or she'd down in the sea of darkness she'd thrown herself into. anger was her safety net; it was the only thing that had kept her afloat. now, though, rylee was finding it very difficult to pull up any emotion that wasn't directly related to her heartbreak. she had barely been able to celebrate the fact that brooklyn had arrived at stewart a few days later than everyone else, giddy about the fact that she had been able to convince her parents that she needed one more year at stewart to get the most out of their education.

biting down on her lip, rylee slowly pushed herself to her feet. she was going to have to talk to asher sooner or later, so she might as well get it over with now. a little timidly, she approached the boy. "uhh, hey." the girl said a little shakily. she cleared her throat, trying to make herself seem more confident. "mind if i sit?" ah, that was better. much stronger and independent. without waiting for asher's answer, rylee plopped herself down next to him, careful not to break the personal space barriers which now had to exist between them. she missed just flopping herself into his lap and nestling into him. "so... how was your summer?" yes, this was clearly going to be a very awkward relationship from this point on.

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[☮ ♥ ada]

look in my eyes, you’re killing me, killing me,
all i wanted was you.

He’d always liked the outdoors. Even over the summer in Copenhagen, nothing had calmed Asher more than sitting on the rooftop of his Aunt Jean’s house, staring up at the stars which dazzled like silver kaleidoscopes of color and shine. Their glow reverberated and Asher always felt himself thinking about Rylee - about how she was probably staring up at the same stars he’d gazed at. Little did he know that she wasn’t observing the stars, nor was she basking in their infinite amounts of beauty; she was partying over the summer, like normal girls did. During the summer, Asher had learned to detest the word ‘normal’ more than any other word in the English language. He couldn’t even read the word ‘normale’ in his French notebook without scrunching up his nose in disgust and closing the book. Normal was the word that had broken them up. Normal was the word that tore his heart out, chamber from chamber, and stamped on it with a ruthless vengeance that he didn’t know a word could possess. Normal was the worst thing he’d ever known.

Then he’d have to remind himself that normality wasn’t what had torn he and Rylee apart; it was Rylee, Rylee and her stupid irrational fears about being abnormal. Normality had always existed and Asher had always broken away from it. Rylee and her stupid irrational fears… he found himself cursing her for those fears. In the flurry of anger and sadness he was in, Asher had forgotten most of what Rylee had said that day at the beach. The one thing he remembered was that sentence: “It isn’t normal.” And now, every time he thought about Rylee, he thought about ‘normal’. Why was she so hell-bent on being normal? Rylee and her stupid irrational fears. Some of the greatest people alive hadn’t been normal. In fact, every person who’d ever discovered something hadn’t been normal. They’d strayed from the obvious, from the mundane and habitual, and had entered a world of new discoveries and new ideas. Life was so advanced in the present because of the unconventional thinkers it’d harbored in the past; so really, when it came down to it, why was not being normal so bad? Rylee and her stupid irrational fears…

Through this tedious analysis of the facets of normality, Asher had realized that he was one of the few people in life who lacked a desire to be accepted - or, rather, that his desire was significantly smaller than “normal” people’s. Maybe his unrequited love for Rylee had fueled his lack of desire, he didn’t know; it sure made sense, though. He’d loved her so much more than he’d loved being an average high school boy. He had never cared when other boys had made fun of him for being “soft”, or when they thought he wasn’t cool for not “getting any”. It was all because he had her and she was more than enough. He didn’t want her to add to his trophies, nor did he want her for her body. Surely he’d thought about sex - he was a guy after all, and guys had urges - but he’d never given in. It had always been about Rylee and her beauty, Rylee and her smile, Rylee and her laugh. Rylee and her stupid irrational fears…

Once more Asher felt himself drifting out of consciousness and into the brooding anger that seemed to always lay like a dead weight on his shoulders. He’d heard about Rylee and her flings - and, he figured, he had a right to be mad about them. He’d told her he’d loved her and she’d reciprocated that statement. He was now aware that her love had never been real, though; at least, not real enough to leave her hurting like he was. Rylee and her summer flings. Rylee and her stupid irrational fears. She hadn’t called, she hadn’t texted. Not even a voicemail saying “I’m sorry, it’s for the better, we should at least stay friends.” Asher knew he never would have been sitting here, sitting in a vortex of his own anger and involuntarily negative emotions, if she’d at least made an attempt to reconcile with him. He’d first been angry at the fact that she hadn’t warned him that he was getting too clingy; but when she hadn’t even tried to console him, he’d been positively incensed. It spoke volumes about her character.

Rylee, Rylee, Rylee. It was all about Rylee, wasn’t it? Every summer since eighth grade, Rylee had been with Asher. This summer hadn’t been any different - because although they’d broken up, their ties seemingly severed, Rylee had been haunting him. There was no other word to describe it - her face had been following him, and not in the way he usually adored. Rylee was in the watermelons at the grocery store. Rylee was on the billboards on the highway. Rylee was reflecting off his sunglasses that sat lazily on his Honda’s dashboard. Rylee was everywhere, Rylee and her stupid irrational fears. He hadn’t had one fling over the summer; not one kiss had left him, nor one hug, nor one fleeting glance. Asher had never really been a fling-y kind of guy; he’d always saved all his affection for the things he loved most, whether it be his parents or Anne or his car or his guitar. Or Rylee. Rylee and her stupid, stupid, stupid irrational fears…

“Uh, hey.”

Just like that, he was out of that ethereal world he’d nestled himself into so comfortably within the past few minutes. He was out of that world and back into the world of “normality” that he so sincerely hated. He had been catapulted out of his thoughts and onto the beach again, with Rylee and her stupid irrational fears standing a few feet away from him. Asher took a slice of the awkwardness for himself, using that time to breathe and recalibrate his mental balance. Carefully clearing his face of any trace of anger, he looked up at Rylee, his face blank. He wouldn’t let it tip in any one direction; not in front of her. As far as he was concerned, she didn’t deserve to see him falter. Not after what she’d done.

“Hello,” he breathed, an unusual greeting for Asher to ever use. Even when he was angry with someone, if they greeted him he’d address them with a stern “hi”. Right then and there, the stage had been set for an extremely awkward and resentful conversation - at least, that’s what it’d be on his part. His hello wasn’t in the least bit kind, nor was it teeming with any tone that could be construed as loathing. It was simply a form of acknowledgment, empty and somewhat useless. When she asked about how his summer had gone - which had undoubtedly been an attempt to clear the air of awkwardness - he didn’t skip a beat in answering. In an even tone, he responded with, “It was fine. How was yours?”

[rcbcbsn. (ℓ)]

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[/color] baby don't talk to me ,[/size][/font]
- - - - - - - - - i'm trying to let go .[/size][/center]

Rylee had used the excuse of being normal, but mostly she was just scared. Sometime last year she had realized how attached she had become to Asher. It was almost as if she couldn't be completely happy without him around. When they weren't together, it was if a huge chunk of her was missing. That feeling scared her. She didn't want to be so dependent on Asher - she wanted to be able to make herself happy. And, then, of course she started scrutinizing everything about their relationship. They were barely sixteen and they were planning their lives together. They were going to live in a trendy New York loft; Asher would teach music lessons and Rylee would paint and open up an art gallery. They were going to have two kids, a boy named Isaac and a girl named Emily. And eventually, they were going to adopt a child, because that's what Rylee wanted. She wanted to be able to help someone the way that her mother and father had helped her because she knew that her life definitely wouldn't have been as good as it was without them. For all she knew, she still could have been bouncing from foster home to foster home, getting hit or abused or all the other terrible things that foster kids had to deal with. Or maybe her mother had gotten sober and come back for her, only to fall into drugs and stuff like that again. Truthfully, Rylee was glad and really didn't want to wonder about what could have happened if it hadn't been for the Jamisons.

There had been a PostSecret that Rylee had read over the summer that had really hit home for her. It was a lazy afternoon one day, she had just been on the computer, dashing off emails to a couple of people when she decided to check the site. The first couple had been nothing - the kind of secrets you'd expect; the ones about sex and totally bizarre obsessions. And then there had been the one. It was just a simple card that said 'I'm so afraid of true love that I married someone else.' Seconds later, Rylee was sobbing. Because she could relate with the person who wrote that card. She had been so afraid of everything about her relationship with Asher that she had destroyed it because that was easier than talking about it. In retrospect, talking about it would have been much less painful. Telling Asher that she thought they should cool down a bit would have been better. Rylee had broken things off with Asher because she wanted her independence back; she wanted to be able to make herself happy again. But by breaking things off with Asher, it had become almost impossible for Rylee to be happy. She missed him too much.

All summer she had been hiding behind of mask. She was the girl who faked a smile and pretending everything was alright. She pretended to be into the things that girls back home were into - drinking, boys and shopping (even though you had to drive an hour to get to a crappy mall from St. Andrews). Rylee had created a character for herself and she had done a tremendous job pulling it off. She pretended to be someone other than Rylee, and that made everything seem okay. Until it was late at night and she was lying in her bed alone, with nothing to distract her from her thoughts. A lot of nights Rylee had cried herself to sleep. Cried for her stupidity, for her broken heart, for Asher, for his broken heart, for the soulless person she was pretending to be. Everything seemed so much worse late at night, alone in her room. Most nights, she ended up either in Colin's room or her parents' room, just because she couldn't bear to be alone. That was the only good thing about being back at Stewart - she didn't have to get kicked by Colin in his sleep or squish in between her mother and father so she wouldn't have to be alone at night. Lexia, her roommate, was always right there in the bed next to her, keeping her calm with her steady breathing.

Asher's tone made her want to cry. It was so different than the way her used to talk to her. His voice used to be able to make her smile, no matter what. Now it just made her want to cry. A lot. "It was alright, I guess." Rylee said, quietly, trying to build up the nerve to tell Asher that she missed him; that was was sorry, for everything; that she wanted to be friends at least, but it hurt too much to think about seeing him and not being with him; that she wished she could go back and time and change everything. But she wouldn't say any of those things, because she couldn't. And then the chorus of 'Things I'll Never Say' by Avril Lavigne went running through her head. Strange things happen in your brain when you're Rylee Jamison.

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[☮ ♥ ada]

look in my eyes, you’re killing me, killing me,
all i wanted was you.

“It was alright, I guess.”

Slowly, reality was creeping toward him. Creeping like the waves he was watching, dark blue and calm. Right now, Asher wished more than anything that he could leap into the crystalline water and become one of those waves. He wanted to slip into their world, one full of invisible eyes that kept a check on everything else. That was what he saw the ocean as; the guardian of everyone and everything. It took all the oil and trash that people dumped into it with grace. It stayed, silent and brooding, watching humans along the beach, crabs in their holes, seagulls floating up above. It was quiet and gave off the aura of being peaceful and serene when really, it was watching. Watching every move people made like a silent killer.

He wanted to be like that: silent, shifting, waiting, watching. He wanted to lull Rylee into that false sense of security and then snap. He needed that riptide to come and take her away, pull her into an undertow and hold her there. It was what she’d done to him, really. She’d given him a security blanket with faulty stitching. All the ‘I Love You’s and ‘You’re the one’s had been a pack of lies she’d thrust at him, over and over, till he’d begun to believe it. And that was entirely true; his belief in Rylee’s love had grown. He never liked to admit it, but Asher had been unsure when he’d first told Rylee he loved her. He could remember it like it was yesterday; that day in the guidance office where he and Anne had run into Rylee and Colin. It had all just come out at once, and he hadn’t been thinking: he just… said it. “I love you.” Those were his words, and that was one of the few times he’d ever said it and didn’t mean it.

Well… that was partially true. He didn’t know if he loved Rylee that day at the guidance office. Asher Rosenberg could be a stupid kid sometimes, but that had been the stupidest action of all: telling her he loved her then. They’d been dating for awhile and Asher was sure that the spark between them had grown into a flame, one that everyone could see and wouldn’t be doubted. But he didn’t know if it was love. Hell, he hadn’t even known what love meant. Yet he’d said it. “I love you.” Those three words had left his mouth in a feeble attempt to jolt her out of the little dream world. He hadn’t said them because he truly loved her, and that hurt him.

It gnawed at him every day. That was the only thing he’d ever regretted in his life; everything else he’d been able to come up with a reason for. Though his early I love you had a reason, it was a dumb one. He could have done so many other things to help her get over the anorexia: take her to a doctor, talk to her more, tell her he loved her the way she was. And even if those didn’t work, he could have found something. Yet he’d done it, because he knew it would help her with her struggle and for another reason. He had a feeling that there was something special about Rylee Jamison. She wasn’t just another girl in the hall, or a pretty face; she was deep and complex and hard for Asher to understand and he loved that about her. Being the immature boy he was, he’d acted on that certain something, and luckily for him, it’d followed through.

He felt the weight of those words crushing down on him as Rylee sat by him, unmoving and unwavering in her actions. A few months after he’d said it, Asher had realized he really did love Rylee. He loved everything about her: her hair, her eyes, (her old Levis) her laugh, her smile. There wasn’t one moment Asher had doubted loving her; everything about her was just… perfect. Now he realized that everything in her was perfect but this insecure, nervous side that tore his heart in two and left his mind in a million different places at once. That was the one thing he absolutely hated about Rylee Jamison: the way she could take her insecurities and use them against him. He frowned at the thought, keeping his eyes on the ocean.

“That is absolutely fantastic to hear, Rylee,” he deadpanned, his stature still and his face even stiller. His tone was oddly calm; every word except for ‘fantastic’ had been said in a relatively neutral way. However, that one word was filled with every angry thought he’d ever encountered. It pained him to talk to her like this, yet he felt he had to. There was no way he was going to let her out of this unscathed.

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