` you don't know how lovely you are.

[☮ ♥ ada]

come up to meet you, tell you i’m sorry,
you don’t know how lovely you are.

[/font]
California was, by far, the best state to be in during the summer. The weather wasn’t slightly chilly as it was in Maine, nor was it absolutely boiling as it was in Florida. The sun shone with what seemed like a distinctly California brilliance and the breeze was just powerful enough to lift the girls’ hair off their shoulders. There wasn’t a cloud in the sky and the air smelled of sand and surf, though Publix was nowhere near the beach. All in all, it was perfect weather, the kind that even the most sheltered of students came out to experience. There wasn’t a student outside without a semblance of a smile on their face as they made their way down the streets of Sacramento.

The bell above the door chimed and Anne glanced up, narrowing her eyes slightly. She had never understood why Publix - the biggest supermarket in the vicinity of Stewart - had one of those old-fashioned bells hanging above the entrance when clearly the rest of the store was far from old-fashioned. As she entered, Anne was greeted by the typical Stewartian Publix: the checkout lines with far too many students in each one, checking out mass quantities of Easy Mac, Cheerios and coffee; the Spring decorations still up from last year even though it was summer; the faulty lighting in aisle nine. A small smirk painted itself onto Anne’s features as she picked up a basket and made her way down aisle three. It was nice to see a few familiar things with the way Anne’s summer had gone.

Her summer had stared off normally, filled with her family and a few friends from Copenhagen and failing at anything she attempted. Superficially, everything had been going well. She’d visited her offbeat relatives who’d knitted her sweaters and baked her cookies, fell in love with her hometown for the millionth time in her life, and had reconnected with a few of her childhood friends who she hadn’t seen in ages. Reconnecting with old friends also apparently meant reconnecting - or, rather, meeting - her wild side. In a way, Anne had always considered herself a wild child; but after that summer, she had really learned what it meant to be wild. The kind of wild that set you free, the kind that took over your mind and your body and soul, which swept you off your feet in a million whirlwinds of indescribable colors and feelings all at once. It was the kind of wild that released every inhibitions in your body and let you feel truly… alive.

Only she hadn’t felt alive. She’d felt drunk. Completely, totally, undeniably drunk. And when she’d needed him most, Colin hadn’t been there. That was the one time she’d ever truly had to have him there; there were times when Anne felt she was at her lowest, when she couldn’t move on. She’d always brought herself out of those stages, and she always figured out things for herself. Colin was there, but she didn’t absolutely need him. The one thing Anne had realized this summer was that, no matter how scrawny Colin was, he was probably stronger than her. He could have fought Anders off. And then nothing would be there. The bruise the size of a grapefruit on her neck. The ripped red blouse lying at the bottom of her suitcase. The shattered, empty feeling she felt inside that never seemed to be filled.

Anne brushed the thoughts from her mind and headed down aisle three, snapping the hair elastic on her wrist incessantly. It was then that she realized her hand was balled up into a fist so tight that the normally pinkish skin on her knuckles had turned white. She glared at the canned peas to the left of her and stopped in the middle of the aisle, closed her eyes, and took a deep breath. Her wrist slowly stopped shaking and Anne headed down the aisle, still angry at herself for allowing her progress to slip. Shaking was a sign of weakness, and she couldn’t have that, not one bit of it.

Shuffling down the aisle at a slightly quicker pace than usual, Anne stopped in front of the myriad of Chef Boyardee cans and picked one up. The label read Chef Boyardee Beef Ravioli - one staple of Anne’s refrigerator at Stewart. If anything, Anne was known for her ravioli obsession. It was like being in the presence of it brightened her mood without her even knowing it. Chef Boyardee ravioli was the indicator species of the cesspool that was Anne’s life. If you took it out, you could tell something was wrong because Anne went insane. A random shopper in aisle three would be able to tell that something was wrong with Anne. She had positioned herself in front of the cans of assorted pastas and seemed to just… stare. She absentmindedly picked up a can of ravioli and turned the can over, staring at her reflection imposed over the expiration date.

With her eyes fixated on her reflection, Anne felt a pang of disgust in the pit of her stomach. Why had she dyed her hair that atrocious shade of red? Because she’d wanted change, that was why. This was going to be the summer, Anne had said. The summer that everything was going to change, the summer that marked the beginning of the rest of her life. That it was, but not in the way Anne had hoped it would be. Really, her hair looked fine - it looked great, actually - yet Anne wanted it gone more than anything else in the world. It was like her own little scarlet letter, only a thousand times worse. She hadn’t committed adultery, that was for sure. The only reason her letter would be an A is if it stood for ashamed. Her letter was an S - shattered, stupid, silenced. And though she only had one S in her name, Anne felt the weight of that letter bearing down on her whenever she saw that hideous red hair as part of her reflection. Her hair was no longer beautiful, blonde, and innocent; it was red, red with the blood of her own body, red with the anger inflicted upon her, red with the love that had been too far away to help her. It was red and it was the worst color she’d ever laid eyes on.

Looking at the rest of her reflection, it was easy to tell she hadn’t put much of an effort into her appearance. The usual swipe of mascara that opened up her eyes was absent, replaced with her natural, light brown lashes. Her lips were gloss-less and her cheeks weren’t as rosy. She’d become thinner - noticeably so - though that had been cleverly hidden by her jeans and zip-up jacket. Anne was still beautiful, there was no doubt about that, but she had done as much as she possibly could do downplay that beauty. The only thing she’d made a conscious effort to do was drape her newly reddened locks over her neck and to keep her hair elastic on her wrist and her wrist only. There was no way anyone other than her was finding out about the bruise till it healed.

As far as everyone else was concerned, Anne had had a completely normal summer. She’d come back to California and had played her piano, done her summer assignments, and texted Colin as usual. She’d made sure she was always there for Asher when he needed it, through his sob-fests about Rylee and when he locked himself in his room and let no one in but Anne. She’d stayed the quiet, obedient child of the family throughout that summer, running errands for her parents and listening to Asher retell the stories of his perfect girlfriend - the kind of perfect she could never be. And now she was back at Stewart and scared more than ever. For once, she didn’t want to see Colin. She didn’t want to see anyone until she had fully healed herself. She didn’t want anyone to see the scars, the pain she was experiencing, or the struggle she was going through by keeping it all inside. But Anne was intent on healing herself; she didn’t need anyone else to pity her. She was going to prove she was strong enough to pull herself up, without help. She wasn’t going to admit she was weak.

Boy, was it great to be home…[/blockquote][/blockquote]

[rcbcbsn. (ℓ)]

*

[/color] where are you, and i'm so sorry ,[/size][/font]
- - - - - - - - - i cannot sleep, i cannot dream tonight .[/size][/center]

most kids relished the relaxation and escape from school that summer brought. colin was the oddity in that equation - he didn't like summer at all. he hated the fact that he was separated from anne. over the past three years colin had become ridiculously attached to the hyperactive girl. she was, without a doubt, his best friend. truth be told, before anne, colin hadn't really had a best friend. yeah, he had friends. but he had been a bit of a drifter - he'd been the guy that everybody talked to and seemed to like, but he didn't have someone to call a best friend. and his little sister didn't count in that. while, yes, rylee did know pretty much everything about colin, the fact that she was his sister just made everything worse. but then he had come to stewart, and at the welcoming dance he had met anne and together, they had eaten cookies and thrown stuff at people. and that had been the beginning of a beautiful friendship. it was kind of funny to think about - colin and anne had gotten their start disturbing the peace at a dance and know were so inseparable that they might as well be wearing the same straitjacket.

there had been two weeks of his summer that had been absolutely the perfect - the two weeks that he had spent with anne at her home. two weeks of being with anne from morning 'till night. it was bliss, pure bliss. but all too quickly those two weeks had come to an end and he had to return home to his own family. it had been a really sad day when the rosenbergs had driven him to the airport and he had to say goodbye to anne again. and then he actually had to go home, where he knew rylee was being a pissy bitch. it was easy to see that he would have much rather stayed with his best friend all summer. especially since summers in new bruinswick were lame - he had spent most of the time helping his mother run the family's bed and breakfast while rylee was off doing god knows what. this past summer had to be the only one in the history of ever that rylee and colin had not been getting along. first, she had just been really moody. colin could tell she was upset, but she just wouldn't talk to him. it drove colin up the wall. and then, afterward, she just... wasn't acting like rylee. she had gotten into a lot of fights with their parents - with whom neither of them had ever really fought with before - about stupid things like her curfew and her friends. it had been a miserable summer for colin.

the entire two months of vacation had just been building up for his return to schoo. he found it quite sick that he was eager to return to the institution of learning, but that was how much he missed his best friend. the minute he had touched down at stewart he had called anne. when she hadn't answered her phone he just figured that she hadn't made it there yet. but still, he was anxious to see her. and then, when she still didn't pick up his call the next day, colin had started to worry. was she okay? where was she? what was going on? the boy had been frantic. he had even resorted to calling asher to find out where his sister was. when the heartbroken boy had told him that she was obviously at stewart, colin was confused. why was she avoiding him, then? he had left voicemail, she should have returned his calls. then, of course, he started to freak out. what if she was mad at him? why was she mad at him? what had he done to get her mad at him?

colin didn't let his thoughts dwell on that too long. in fact, almost immediately he had headed right to her dorm. he was determined not to leave until he found out what was going on. he would sleep in front of her door if he had to - yeah, he was that attached to anne. a hole was shot right through that plan, though. as soon as he had arrived at her dorm, frankie had told him that anne wasn't home. great. there went that. but after a little prodding, colin had managed to get anne's whereabouts out of frankie. good old frankie. he figured he would have to thank her at some point, but instead he had just darted right out of the room and pretty much ran for the supermarket. anne may be mad at him, but he didn't care. he just wanted to see his best friend, even if it meant the girl would yell at him and hit him for whatever he had done to upset her. colin would take it because he loved and missed his best friend that much. he just wanted to be able to hug her again and see her laugh and her smile. the seventeen year old would take all the abuse in the world if it just meant that he could see anne.

the trek from stewart to the grocery store wasn't a long one, but it seemed like it took forever for colin to get there; like time was working against him, trying to make him suffer. it didn't help that he was getting more and more anxious as he got closer to the publix. what happened if anne wasn't there and he had ran all this way for nothing? what happened if anne didn't want to see him; if she wouldn't talk to him? colin didn't know. he did know that he would fight, though. he wasn't going to let himself lose without a fight. the boy didn't want to go back to that best friend-less existence; he couldn't go back to that kind of living. anne had had too big of an impact on his life for him to be able to do that. colin stopped running when he could see the store in front of him. he slow to a walk, trying to calm his breathing before he got into the actual store. panting like a fool in there wouldn't make him look very smooth. luckily, his breathing had returned to normal before he entered the store. that at least was looking up. colin pulled open the heavy door and slipped inside. he walked slowly throughout the store, peeking down each aisle to see if anne was in any of them. it didn't take him very long to find her, though. there she was, at the ravioli. colin smiled in spite of himself. "hey there, ginger snaps." colin said cheerfully, approaching anne from behind and wrapping an arm around her shoulder. "why have you been dodging my calls, missy?

[/b]" he asked, trying to be nonchalant about it. like colin and nonchalant could ever be used in the same sentence.

tagged , anne rosenberger.
status , complete
words , 1176
outfit , jeans, white t-shirt, converse. lame.
notes , ANNE BREAKS MY HEART A LOT. ):

[/blockquote][/size][/blockquote]

[☮ ♥ ada]

come up to meet you, tell you i’m sorry,
you don’t know how lovely you are.

[/font]
The ravioli was not enticing in the least bit. In fact, Anne had no clue why she was staring at the ravioli for so long. To put it simply, her appearance sickened her. There were quite a few things that sickened Anne - monks setting themselves on fire, homicidal maniacs, abusive parents, and war, to name a few- but nothing sickened her more than her appearance at this very moment. It had gotten to the point where she was close to throwing the can of ravioli at the shelf and watching it smash into a million pieces, just so she wouldn’t have to see herself again. She no longer saw beauty. No, she was no longer the beautiful, bubbly seventeen year old who made people laugh and always had a smile on her face. She was a weak, ugly monster who couldn’t control herself and made people angry enough to hit her. That wasn’t beauty.

And then her hand started shaking again. It was all flooding back to her, so vividly, so clearly, that she couldn’t stop herself. It was usually rare that these images cropped up, save for the little bits of sleep Anne got when she couldn’t control her thoughts. She’d gotten good at pushing all thoughts of that night and the ones after it out of her mind and into the dark abyss that was her subconscious. Still, she’d let herself slip. She was falling, falling, falling, back into the abyss and back into the night that changed her…

“You look so beautiful, Annelies. Why don’t you ever let your hair down? You look gorgeous with it.”
“Oh, stop, Anders. You’re lying, you’re lying! Ha ha! Look, I’m like Ron Weasley!”
“No, no, Annelies! You are more beautiful than Ron Weasley. You’re my little gingersnaps.”
“Ha, ha! Gingersnaps! That’s rich!”

Anne set the ravioli down on the shelf with force, closing her eyes and trying to subdue the memory. But it was too strong - like a parasite, it had already encroached upon her fake peacefulness. Placing her hands over her ears, she took deep breaths, trying to calm herself.

“Anders, I think… I think Emilie wants me to… to go with her… -what? No, Em! Of course I’m not drunk, what are you talking about?”
“You go ahead, Emilie. I’ll take care of Annelies.”
“Yeah, alright.”
“No, Anders, I think… I think I should go…”
“Please, Annelies, stay a little while… you’re my little gingersnaps, remember?”
“Anders, stop. I mean it, I have to…”
“Stop saying no when you know you mean yes, gingersnaps.”[/b]

“Hey there, gingersnaps.”

Involuntarily, Anne pushed Colin’s arm off her and folded her arms over her chest defensively, her eyes widening in unmistakable fear. Without registering Colin’s face to his name, she cried, “I said no!”

And then instantly everything came flooding back to her in full detail: she was in Publix, people were staring, she was trembling, and Colin was standing in front of her. Snapping her hair elastic a few times, she took a breath and took a hesitant step toward the boy, surveying him closely. She wanted so badly to cry, to run into his arms and kiss him and have him take all the pain away like he always did. She wanted to tell him she loved him, over and over, till he knew it was true and would never leave her again. She just wanted to stay in his arms and have him protect her from all the bad in the world.

I can’t. He’ll think I’m weak, just like Anders. But I can’t just leave him there like that, he’s my best friend. Maybe I should tell him. No, he’ll think I’m a slut, that I don’t have morals. I’m so weak. I should have said no, Anne thought to herself at what seemed like lightning speed. Still, she couldn’t help her instincts, and before she knew it she had thrown him and her arms were around his waist. She was breathing in that deep pine scent that always seemed to linger on Colin, holding him there so he couldn’t run away.
“I’m so sorry,” she whispered quietly, running her hands over his and trying to bring herself back to reality. “I missed you so much.”

It wasn’t gone. The memory lingered silently, striking her just as she had begun to intertwine her fingers with his.

“You have such soft skin, Annelies. Such beautiful, soft skin…”
“Anders… Anders, stop, I don’t want to!”
“Yes you do. You wouldn’t have acted like that if you didn’t.”
“Get off of me, Anders. No, stop!”
“Face it, gingersnaps. You’re a whore. A dirty, worthless little whore. You wouldn’t have thrown yourself at me if you weren’t.”

She was trembling slightly again and had pulled herself away from Colin. Snapping her elastic a few times again, she breathed in slightly, crossed her arms over her chest and took a quick step away from him. He wasn’t Anders. He would never do that to her. But he always could. She could never be weak again, never show that vulnerability. Her eyes hardened slightly as she looked down at the ground and the trembling stopped. Anne waited for a moment, making sure she was fully aware of her surroundings and who was in them. Somehow her shopping basket had ended up on the floor, the contents spilled haphazardly around her. Shit, she thought angrily, bending down and retrieving them a bit too quickly. Dumping them back into her basket and trying to act as normal as possible, she slung the basket around her wrist and looked back up at Colin.

“S- So how was your summer?” she stuttered out in a soft voice, cursing herself for not speaking louder. This wasn’t normal, this wasn’t her. She had to make it seem more believable. “It’s really cold in here,” she added, reenacting her trembling so as if to justify why she had started shaking in the first place. “Please… don’t call me gingersnaps,” she said in an almost inaudible and slightly scared tone, adding in, “I hate gingersnaps.”

Crossing her arms over her chest a bit tighter, Anne looked back up at Colin and tried to raise the volume of her voice a few notches. Maybe then he would believe the pathetic show she'd been putting on for him for the past two and a half minutes. "Is Rylee doing any better?" she asked without thinking, pulling a mental face-palm. She was just now seeing the person she loved most in the world, the one person she adored, for the first time in nearly two months and all she could do was ask him about his sister? No matter how heartbroken Asher was, she normally would have forgotten about him and been more excited to see Colin than anyone else in the world.

Good luck trying to get him to believe that circus act you just pulled, Einstein.


[ooc] Sorry for not replying to Rasher before this. I just saw your post and I had to reply. D; I promise I‘ll get to Rasher tomorrow, though. Since I have like the entire day after school tomorrow and all. xD <3

This made me sad too. D;[/size][/blockquote][/blockquote]

[rcbcbsn. (ℓ)]

*

[/color] where are you, and i'm so sorry ,[/size][/font]
- - - - - - - - - i cannot sleep, i cannot dream tonight .[/size][/center]

colin jumped back in surprise when anne batted his arm away and screeched at him. he was utterly bewildered, eyes open wide and mouth slightly ajar. the boy watched, a little uncertainly, as anne seemed to snap out of some kind of daydream and realize that it was him, colin, standing in front of her. the relief was visible on his face. for a moment he had worried that anne really did hate him. that was why she hadn't been returning his phone calls and had pushed him away. but when he saw her face when she actually saw him, all those worries slipped away. any doubt about he and anne slipped away; all because she looked as happy to see him as he was to see her. and that made him incredibly glad. after all, colin had spent four weeks missing anne constantly. texting each other 24/7 wasn't enough. just texting her didn't quench his need to be around her, although it did make it feel a little better. it was like being a vegetarian vampire - animal blood could sustain them but it didn't make as strong as they were when they drank human blood. texting anne was like drinking animal blood. but lets not tell anyone that colin referenced these things to twilight.

a large grin spread across the boy's face and he quickly wrapped his arms around anne, pulling her into him as close as possible. "i missed you too, annie. so much." he murmured, kissing her forehead before pressing his face into his hair. it was strange, this summer he had spent much more time missing and worrying about anne. last year, yes he had missed her, but he hadn't spent 24/7 worrying about her. it wasn't the only thing on his mind all the time. then again, last year he had rylee to distract him. they would be together in the fact that they missed their rosenberg far too much to last two months on their own. but this year, rylee had been too wrapped up in herself to notice that colin needed someone to help him keep his mind of anne. god, he just loved her so much. words couldn't even explain how much he adored the girl currently in his arms. colin felt that he could honestly say that he would be lost if it wasn't for anne. he would still be a lonely, lonely little boy without the bright light that was anne in his life. she was the best thing that ever happened to him.

colin frowned as anne stepped away from him. she seemed so... sad. and like something was bothering her. his brow furrowed together and he stood awkwardly for a moment, watching her gather up her basket. why he didn't bend down to help her, he didn't know. he was just... confused. confused about everything; why she seemed to be so upset, why she had been dodging his calls even though she said she missed him. it was almost as if anne had actually started acting like a girl, being all confusing and mood swing-y and stuff. colin wasn't sure he'd be able to handle anne if she started acting like rylee, because she would probably be ten times worse than his little sister because she was ten times louder than his sister. biting down on his lip, colin shuffled his feet. yeah, there was definitely something strange going on with anne. she was acting weirder than normal. and it wasn't the good kind of weird either. it was like she was hiding something from him. colin found he didn't enjoy that very much. he liked it when anne told him things. it made him feel special that she trusted him enough with her secrets. this just seemed... wrong. they weren't supposed to let things get weird between them. they were supposed to be upfront with each other - tell them what was bothering them right off the bat. why wasn't anne following that right now?

"quite honestly it sucked when i wasn't with you." colin murmured. see, he was being honest. why wasn't anne being honest? it hurt him. the hurt deepened even more when she asked him not to call her gingersnaps. his eyebrows wrinkled together, confused again. calling her gingersnaps had been the running joke since she dyed her hair. it was the first thing colin had said when he saw her new red locks and he had spent weeks calling her gingersnaps. colin doubted that he had called her anne once during the two weeks he spent at her house. "okay, i won't call you gingersnaps anymore..." he said softly, staring down at the floor. why was this so weird? their reunion was supposed to be happy. they were supposed to laugh and hug and then go and pelt cans of stuff at people in the grocery store. and then buy popsicles and go home. that was how it was supposed to go. "rylee doesn't matter." what matters is why you're acting like a freak. stepping forward, colin wrapped his arms around anne again, holding her tightly. "annie, what's wrong? are you mad at me? tell me what's upsetting you, please."

[/size][/blockquote]

[☮ ♥ ada]

come up to meet you, tell you i’m sorry,
you don’t know how lovely you are.

[/font]
She had been fine, just fine, till she saw the look in Colin’s eyes. She kept his gaze for awhile, just… looking at him. That look he was giving her - the look of hurt and betrayal and sadness - was the worst look she’d ever gotten from him. It was like a thousand knives were stabbing her through the heart at once. That, coupled with the fact that she felt sick to her stomach from the memory, sent her into overdrive mode. Looking into his eyes, she felt… vulnerable. More vulnerable than she’d ever felt before. More vulnerable than she’d felt around Anders. But it was the good kind of vulnerable and Anne knew, somewhere in her heart, that Colin would never abuse that vulnerability. His shaggy brown hair, his pretty brown eyes, his quirky Colin smile, his happy Colin laugh… none of that could ever turn into something as ugly and monstrous as Anders was. It was the oddest mix of emotions that overcame Anne at that moment, and her mood shifted from one of defensiveness to one of helplessness in an instant.

And then Anne was in his arms and he was kissing her forehead and completely shattering any defensiveness she had toward him. She looked up, brushing a few hairs from his eyes. God, he was so perfect. So inhumanly perfect. Anne didn’t even know how it was possible for her to love someone so much; her entire life, she’d been the girl who’d vowed never to fall in love. She’d always told her friends that boys were stupid and didn’t matter. And here she was, with the most perfect boy in the universe. The one girl who’d never wanted love had found it at age sixteen. It was a little ironic, really, especially when her brother was going through the worst breakup of his life. “I missed you too, Annie. So much.” That was the last straw; she couldn’t take it anymore. Colin never called her Annie unless something was wrong, just like her mom and Asher called her Anneliese or her dad called her Annie Banannie.

For what seemed like eternity, Anne struggled. What was she supposed to do? Keep the act up? No, she couldn’t do that. Not with how hurt she could see Colin was. But she had to, she had to. Anders would use it against her if she slipped up, if she told anyone…

“Okay, I won’t call you gingersnaps anymore…”

Anne watched as he stared down at the floor. She wasn’t able to fathom how much she had hurt him. It was impossible, keeping this from him. They had too unbreakable a bond for her not to tell him. She gulped down the lump forming in her throat, scratching her neck slightly. And then, without thinking, she’d felt the bruise. “Ow,” she murmured quietly, the tears now beginning to well up in her eyes. She was being hurtled from her memories to Colin’s hurt emotions and then back again, and before she knew it she was in his arms again. Only this time, she wasn’t happy. She was falling again - it was different this time, though. This time, she was reaching out, and Colin was there to help her.

Pressing her face into his chest, she held him as tightly as she could, trying desperately to formulate sentences in her head. It was too powerful, her emotions and his pain and her inability to comprehend what she was doing. “Anders fucking Jacobsen is what’s wrong,” she murmured, the tears now beginning to fall. “I… I don’t even know h- how it happened. It was all so quick… I don’t remember it… but he kept saying, ‘You want it, you know you do’… I didn’t, I swear, I really didn’t…” Her words were soft, trembling, but still audible. Somehow, she was staying afloat in this sea of misery she’d projected herself into. Holding onto Colin a little tighter, she continued. “Asher… he warned me. He kept saying, Anne, don’t do it, they don’t care about you. B… but I didn’t listen. I- I mean, I’ve known Emilie since I was little… she would, she would take care of me, right? Right? No… no, not right. I kept calling for her… Emilie, Emilie, take me home, I think I’m drunk.”

It was too hard for her to recount this while looking at Colin. She stopped for a moment and looked down at the floor, feeling herself begin to tremble again. She didn’t try to stop it; it was coming too fast, like a hurricane that she couldn’t get out of from any side. She still couldn’t speak that word, though. Rape. It was too hard to say, at least in front of Colin. “B- but she was too busy. S- so she says to me, ‘I’m just going to talk with Christoph, you’ll b- be fine, Anders is… is there to keep you safe.’ God, I… I fucking hate her. I’m never going to… she fucking knew I was drunk… God, that fucking…” And here came the anger, all the anger that she’d contained for two months. Her tone, now more stable, was more vindictive than it had been before. “And, and he keeps feeding me all these lies. ‘Oh, Anneliese, what soft skin you have. Oh, Anneliese, what a beautiful smile you have. Oh, Anneliese.’ And then he starts kissing me and I… I just know it’s wrong. I wasn’t even fucking attracted to him. He’d just… he’d just gotten me drunk. I don’t even know how, I don’t even drink. I keep telling him, ‘Anders, stop.’ But he doesn’t. He just keeps going. Keeps telling me I want him. But I don’t. I’m just… I’m scared. I want to go home but I can’t even walk properly. Stupid fucking Anders… so I try to push him off and he…”

The memory always stopped at this part. Anne had been good at suppressing this part, the worst part, to the point where she didn’t need to remember it anymore. Her voice quivered and she lowered it a few notches. “And… and he hits me,” she said in practically a whisper, pushing her hair off the nape of her neck and revealing the bruise she’d kept hidden for so long. “I… I didn’t even know him anymore. Anders… Anders Jacobsen… from kindergarten… had just… hit me. And then something just… changed. I don’t know how. But he suddenly got so much… stronger, and I got so much weaker. It really hurt, when he hit me… and I couldn’t really… I couldn’t feel this side of my face much. I don’t know if it was the alcohol or the hit or both,” she whispered, gesturing to the left side of her face without looking up. “‘You’re a whore.’ He keeps saying that. And it hurt… so much. I… I know it’s supposed to hurt the first time, but- but I knew it wasn’t supposed to hurt like that,” she recalled, her voice now shaking and tears running freely down her cheeks. “After, he just… smiles at me. This stupid, sickening smile. God, I fucking hate him. And he just… tells me to get myself together and leave. That I was ‘good’ and that he ‘had fun’. And then he just… pushes me out the door. I… I don’t really remember how I got home that night. E- Em had already left, w- with that Christoph guy.”

Closing her eyes for a moment, Anne fiddled with her hair elastic and opened them once more, her eyes still glued to the floor. “So… so I go back home, and everyone’s asleep… so I just… I text her and I’m like… ‘where the fuck were you?’. And… and…” Here Anne laughed hesitantly, shaking her head. “And she says, ‘You finally got some. And from Anders Jacobsen. He’s the hottest guy in Copenhagen.’ He keeps texting me. ‘You were so good that night.’ ‘You’re my dirty little secret.’” Running a hand through her hair, Anne sniffled quietly and shook her head again. “I just… I don’t know how… how I was… raped,” she added in a quiet tone, exhaling. That felt so good to get off her chest - except now the guilt had washed over her and Anne looked up at Colin, blinking back more tears that were sure to erupt soon. “I’m not mad at you… at all. I’ve never been mad at you,” she said softly, breathing slowly to bring her heartbeat down to its normal rate. Her mind still on the fritz, she rose up to her tiptoes and kissed him gently. And then she tried as hard as she could to hold his gaze with her next statement. “I love you, Colin. You know I do. More then I’ve loved anyone, ever. More than my parents or Asher or Frankie or anyone. And that… that was why I came home and I was just so… shaken up. I couldn’t eat and I couldn’t sleep and I just… I couldn’t tell anyone about it. I got… I got so scared. I still am scared. I just… I feel him everywhere, all around me. I’m going to go back there for winter break and he’s just… he’s just going to get a kick out of it. Seeing me so… broken. No one’s ever done that to me. No one’s ever broken me. But… but he did. And I just… I thought that if I told anyone, I’d be vulnerable. And he’d exploit that. I know he’s still in Copenhagen, but… I don’t know. I feel him everywhere.”

The next part took her the longest to say and Anne felt tremors running through her voice, her mind, her body. “And I understand if… if you never want to see me again. I understand if you hate me for that. And I… I understand if you think I’m a… a whore, just like he thought I was…” her words wandered, and she looked up at Colin. “Just… please don’t hate me. Please. I love you so much… so, so much…” By now she was shaking, sobbing, the works - yet she still continued to speak. It was like word vomit. “That night… that night, I felt my heart break. I knew I couldn’t tell you because… because it’d break your heart too. I swear, I didn’t want to do it. I would never… never, never, never do that. I got home and I hurt everywhere. I still hurt everywhere. I feel guilty. Guilty and ugly. I mean, I’ve never felt… ugly… I mean, I’ve never really been like… pretty, but still. Now I just… I can’t even look at myself… anymore. I just see myself like I was that day. Drunk, and with that stupid ripped up red blouse… and those stupid jeans Emilie had made me wear… the really dark kind, y- you know, the kind everyone says looks good on me. And this hair… this stupid hair… he kept saying it, ‘my little gingersnaps’. I used to love it when… when you called me that. I love all your nicknames. But he just… I can’t hear it anymore. I keep remembering. I love you so much. More than I can ever say. Please don’t leave me. Please, please don‘t leave me. Don’t break my heart, Colin. Please.”[/blockquote][/blockquote]

[rcbcbsn. (ℓ)]

*

[/color] where are you, and i'm so sorry ,[/size][/font]
- - - - - - - - - i cannot sleep, i cannot dream tonight .[/size][/center]

A nugget of worry was growing in his stomach. He'd never seen Anne so... melancholy. It scared him, to be quite honest. Colin had always depended on Anne to be her ridiculously cheery self. They were always happy when they were together, smiling and laughing. This... it wasn't normal. Anne wasn't supposed to be hurting like this. She was supposed to be smiling and laughing and calling him Batman and making fun of his hair. And he was supposed to be smiling and laughing and taking her abuse in stride. That was how their reunion was supposed to go. They'd buy popsicles and tictacs and oreos and peanut butter and they'd just have fun. But now Anne was crying and everything was ruined. Colin couldn't bear her being so upset. It was like watching kittens being kicked or something along those lines. He wished he could just take again the pain she was feeling and hide her away, protect her so she wouldn't have to feel that way ever again.

Colin listened to Anne as she spoke, completely silent. He could tell by the way Anne was talking that if he interrupted her, it would throw her off. It would mess her up and she wouldn't be able to tell Colin what the problem was. That was why, when she told him that Anders Jacobson was what was wrong, he held his tongue. He wanted to ask what Anders Jacobson had done, but he didn't. Partly because he thought it would end in Anne saying that he was her new boyfriend; that he had been replaced by some kid who lived in Denmark and who would be coming to Stewart so he and Anne could be in love together. As soon as Anne said his name, Colin hated him with ever fiber in his being. How dare some twit named Anders try to steal Anne from him. Anne was his. She was his best friend, his love, his Anne. No one was allowed to challenge it - no one at Stewart had challenged it because it was so completely obvious to everyone that Anne and Colin were going to be a couple one day, as soon as the pair of them settled down enough to realize that they did love each other. Some stupid Danish kid wasn't going to come to Stewart and ruin that.

Soon, Colin was still hating Anders Jacobson, but for a completely different reason. He had hurt Anne in more than one way - physically, emotionally, mentally. And that, to Colin, was a crime punishable by death. His hands were clenched tightly as Anne spoke, so hard that his knuckles were turning white. It was the only thing keeping him sane. He focused on the pain in his hands to keep him from visualizing ripping Anders' head off with his bare hands. It kept him from thinking about how easy it would be for him to go to Denmark, find this asshole and beat him within an inch of his life. This guy deserved to die for putting Anne through what she had been through. And he would pay. Colin would make sure of it. But first and foremost, he had to take care of Anne. Beautiful, amazing Anne who was crying so hard she was shaking.

"You're crazy if you thought this would make me leave you, Anne." Colin said quietly, placing his hands on the sides of her face, wiping away her tears and then pulling her into him, wrapping her arms around her. "Listen to me, okay? You are the most beautiful girl I've ever seen, okay? I love you so much. I love you more than Batman and the Dark Knight, more than dipping oreos in peanut butter, more than throwing half sucked tictacs at people. I love you more than Itzakadoozies and Guitar Hero. Okay?" He pressed a kiss to the top of her head, trying not to cry himself. It hurt him that Anne was so upset; that she thought he would leave her because of this. That he would break her heart. "So don't you ever worry about me leaving you, because I'm not going anywear. I promise, okay? And I promise to kill this asshole, so why don't you give me his address and I'll make it so he's not around, okay? I'll go vigilante on his ass. I'll wear my Batman costume, if you want me to."

[/size][/blockquote]

[☮ ♥ ada]

come up to meet you, tell you i’m sorry,
you don’t know how lovely you are.

[/font]
She couldn’t stop the tears. They were coming, seemingly faster every second, and she clung to the boy as she felt his hands tighten. Oh God, he’s mad. He’s mad at me. He’s mad at me. Oh God, oh God. And now Anne was terrified. She was scared that Colin would get angry at her for betraying his trust. She was scared that he’d push her away and never want to talk to her again. Please don’t hate me, please don’t hate me, she thought, the words cluttering together. I would take it all back if I could, I swear. I shouldn’t have told you. I shouldn’t have. You’re going to hate me now. Oh God, please don’t hate me, she prayed, trying to breathe regularly. Her chest was heaving and her hands were shaking and she felt like she was falling apart. No, she had already fallen apart. So what was happening now?

Life was amazing. One minute you could be completely heartbroken and the next you’d feel like you were on top of the world. That was what was going through Anne’s mind as Colin spoke, as she looked into his pretty brown eyes and felt as he took the pain away, promise by promise. A moment ago, she’d felt her heart break. She’d felt her world fall apart as Colin’s g rip tightened around her. And now she was elated. Well… not elated, per se. But she was healing. That was a feat no one had accomplished within the past two months, not even Anne herself. Sure, she’d convinced herself that she was healing. She’d told herself that she was heading in the right direction, away from Anders, and that was all that mattered. Only it wasn’t. She hadn’t done much, and the little that she had done had only helped in digging her own grave.

She felt his warm hands on her cheeks and she listened intently to his words, wanting to absorb them as if she was some sort of sponge. She didn’t want to miss one word of what he said. Most importantly, Anne wanted to make sure he wasn’t going to hurt her. Listening to him, she was sure he wasn’t going to. And then it hit her like a brick. You’re the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen. I love you so much. Then he was off, listing the things he loved her more than. Anne could honestly say she’d never experienced that feeling before, the one of knowing you were truly and undeniably loved. It wasn’t one of those sweeping gestures that ran through your body and left it in an instant. No, this feeling was different. It was like pricking the surface of a pond and watching the ripples reverberate from the center. That feeling eased its way into her bloodstream and soon it was the only one she was feeling. For that moment, he was the only one there. The stupid old lady who couldn’t decide between peas and corn, the awkward teenage boy who was taking every single can of tuna from the shelf, the little girl who was staring a the green beans as if they were Jesus Himself… none of them existed. It was just Anne and Colin, Colin and Anne.

I’ll wear my Batman costume, if you want me to.

For the first time in two months, Anne smiled. It wasn’t the fake smile she’d plaster on for her mom and dad when she went for her morning run, nor was it the ‘comforting’ smile she’d give Asher that wasn’t genuine in the least bit. It was the smile Anne had thought she’d lost, the one that had fell into the chasm of her depression the night she’d come back from Anders’ apartment. Yet here it was, more genuine than any other smile she’d given. And though her eyes were wet with tears and probably red from the aforementioned irritant, they sparkled.

It was the first unplanned move she’d made since that night, and, to be quite honest, it felt good. Damn good, as a matter of fact. Without thinking, Anne had linked her hands around his neck, risen up on her tiptoes, and had kissed him. It wasn’t a typical Anne kiss, either. It wasn’t sweet and innocent, a peck on the cheek or a goodnight kiss after a date. This was a true kiss, like one of the perfect ones she’d seen in movies like The Notebook or The Titanic. It was the first time she’d passionately kissed Colin in… forever. For that moment, everything was perfect. There weren’t things anymore, just… feelings. Feelings that had blended together seamlessly as she kissed him with an intensity she never knew she had. She held him there for a few moments before breaking the kiss off gently.

“I love you so much,” she said, exhaling. “I… I’m sorry for being such a bitch to you and not returning your calls,” she paused, “or texts,” another pause, “or comments. Or e-mails. Or voicemails.” Looking back at him, Anne played with the fibers of his shirt and bit down on her lip. “I’ve just… I’ve been scared. Of you, mostly. I… I thought you’d think I was… a whore,” she confessed, choking out the last word. “I’m… I’m still scared. Because I know you’re too good for me. You’re… you’re perfect. You’re funny and handsome and smart and just… everything about you is perfect, Colin.” She stopped for a moment, wiping a few tears from her eyes. “I wanted to call you so badly. I had your number typed in and everything. I wanted to hear your voice so much. I wanted to hug you, I wanted to kiss you… I just wanted you with me.”

“Those two weeks we spent together… they were perfect,” she said, running her hand over his. “I could barely sleep because I knew you were in the room next to me. I loved being all mischievous and stupid and going places and staying with you till the sun went down. And even with Asher being a mess, you still fit in with us. Even my dad approves of you. I remember, before you came, he said, ‘Anneliese, if that boy hurts you I’ll break his neck, okay?’ And now he loves you. He was actually sad when you left,” Anne explained. “And then we went to Copenhagen and I was constantly thinking about you. Apparently everyone wants to meet you now because I talked so much about you. And then… after that night… I just kept picturing you. I kept holding on to everything we’d done in those two weeks, just to keep myself sane. I kept telling myself that there was a boy out there who held my hand and kept me safe and made me chocolate chip pancakes when I didn’t feel good. But… something just… kept me from calling you. I just… I just kept thinking, ‘If Anders could hurt me, why can’t Colin hurt me?’”

“I’m… I’m just glad you didn’t meet someone else,” Anne murmured, exhaling. “He just… shook me up so much,” she added in a softer tone, holding on to Colin so he couldn’t leave her. “I know there are a million girls out there who are better than me. Just… don’t leave me. You’re the only one I feel safe around.”[/blockquote][/blockquote][/size]

[rcbcbsn. (ℓ)]

*

[/color] where are you, and i'm so sorry ,[/size][/font]
- - - - - - - - - i cannot sleep, i cannot dream tonight .[/size][/center]

Seeing Anne cry was painful. Colin was in physically pain right now, watching his best friend sob. He felt like someone was ripping his heart out of his chest and stomping on it. Hard. It was horrible, seeing Anne so upset. He never wanted her to be hurt ever again. If he could, Colin would put on his cape and protect her from everything. Unfortunately, he wouldn't be able to protect her from the thing that hurt her most, and that killed him. Why couldn't he have been there? Why couldn't he have spent all summer with her? If he was there, she never would have gone to that party. She never would have gotten drunk. She never would have talked to that asshole and he never would have touched her. And he wouldn't have to commit a crime when he went to Denmark and killed the son of a bitch.

The two weeks that he had spent at Anne's had been the highlight of the summer. Just like it had been last year. Two weeks of pure bliss. They hadn't been interrupted by school or classes. It was just two weeks of Colin and Anne being absolutely inseparable. It had actually taken a lot of will power for Colin to stay in the guest room during the nights and not go into Anne's bedroom and curl up with her and fall asleep with the girl in his arms. More than anything, that was what he wanted to do. But her figured that Mr and Mrs Rosenberg wouldn't exactly be too thrilled to wake up and go into their daughter's room to see him in her room as well. They probably would have shit a brick and then killed him. That was pretty much the only thing that kept him from getting up and sleeping next to his best friend. Her parents would have been furious.

And then he saw that perfect little smile and that pain her felt at seeing her cry vanished. His heart was placed back into his chest and the gaping hole was sewn up nicely. Anne was smiling. She was smiling and he had done that. His heart was literally soaring. And then... Anne kissed him. If he hadn't been such a strong and manly man, that would have knocked the hell out of him. What I mean to say is, when Anne wrapped her arms around him, Colin's knees wobbled. He had never been kissed like that before. Smiling into the kiss, Colin wrapped his arms around Anne's waist, pulling her closer to him as he kissed her back. God, that was nice. Why hadn't they done that before? Why had the spent the last three years being awkward best friends when they could have been doing this? Well... the only pliable explanation would be that they were Colin and Anne... and the rest doesn't need to be explained.

Still smiling goofily, Colin listened to Anne's words very carefully. From the fact that he had turned on the right charms with her father to the fact that everyone she knew in Copenhagen wanting to know him. That goofy smile wouldn't be leaving his face for quite awhile - not even when Anne said she was worrying about him leaving her or him hurting her. Or him meeting someone else. "Hey, you listen to me, okay? You're my girl. And nothing is going to change that, alright?"

[/size][/blockquote]

[☮ ♥ ada]

come up to meet you, tell you i’m sorry,
you don’t know how lovely you are.

[/font]
Anne was, in all honesty, perplexed. She didn’t know how Colin could take her news so well – not well, but more like… in stride. He didn’t seem phased in the least bit, at least not in the way she’d expected: if anything, she’d expected him to hate her, leave her, never talk to her again. In a way, his actual reaction was so much worse; looking into his eyes, she could see the pain. Uneasiness had settled into the pit of her stomach, seeing that pain, so raw and untouched. It would have been so much easier if he had just hated her and walked out of her life. Well, easier for him, at least. She wouldn’t deny that, if Colin had left, her world would have fallen apart. Colin was Anne’s rock; he was the one she could always turn to when something went wrong, the one who’d be there for her no matter what. Him leaving her would be like taking the ground out from under her.

A wave of happiness crashed over her as Colin smiled into the kiss and returned the favor. She was glad when he pulled her closer to him and kept his arms around her waist. She liked being this close to him, with his body heat keeping her warm and his arms keeping her close. She wished she could be this close to him all the time, just Anne and Colin and Colin and Anne. She wanted him to hold her hand and keep her safe, keep her head above water when she felt like she was drowning. And that’s what he was doing right now; he was keeping her afloat in the mess of trouble she’d somehow jettisoned into. Looking up at him, she smiled. “I have no idea why I didn’t do that in the three years I’ve known you,” she said softly, smirking slightly. It was true. Anne had always been a pretty gutsy girl, but when it came to boys, she was horrible. She was as scared about kissing a guy as people were of heights and clowns and small spaces. That was part of the reason why she’d never kissed Colin with that much passion before. Along with the delicate balance of friendship and love that existed between them, there was really no excuse to.

“You’re my girl, and nothing is going to change that.”

Anne felt her heart skip a beat at his comment. When had Colin – Colin Jamison, the dorky little boy she’d met at the welcoming dance three years ago – turned into someone so… perfect? In retrospect, they’d always been perfect for each other. They had both been awkward and dorky drifters with not many close friends. Colin had one sister, Rylee, and Anne had one brother, Asher. And they both shared an untamable desire for those delicious sugar cookies at the dances. She thanked her lucky stars for those wonderful sugar cookies. They had been what introduced Colin to her. Because of those cookies, Anne had met the most important person in her life. And though she didn’t have many other close friends beside him, Anne would take Colin over a million other friends any day. Even with how close they were, Anne felt another surge of indescribable emotion as he said those few words. She’d committed the worst crime any girlfriend could commit – and he was still being nice to her. Not even nice. Completely amazing, more like.

“And you’re my knight in shining armor,” she said, beaming. “My best friend, my confidante, my partner in crime, my Batman,” she continued, simpering at the last bit. They’d always been good old Batman and Robin, keeping the evil of Sacramento at bay. “And the best boyfriend a girl could ever ask for,” she added in a somewhat softer tone, biting down on her lip. In the entire three years they’d known each other – and the odd number of months in which they’d had an awkward friend/love relationship – they’d never actually made their relationship official. “I… I mean, only if you want to be my boyfriend… I know Batman and Robin aren’t supposed to be boyfriend and girlfriend. But we can be Batman and Robin Version Two. Or something less lame.”

And then she was rambling. She didn’t know how, but somehow, she managed to look like a complete idiot every time Colin did something cute… which was all the time. It wasn’t that he made her nervous, because he out of all people made her feel the most at ease. She just wanted to be as great to him as he was to her, and her way of displaying that was by rambling till she got to something that made sense. Looking back up at him, Anne smiled. “Oh, and by the way, you’re sort of the most amazing person I’ve ever met. I don’t think I’ve told you that before,” she commented, reaching up to push a few hairs out of his eyes.

[ooc] Sorry this is so horrible. D;[/blockquote][/blockquote]

[rcbcbsn. (ℓ)]

*

[/color] where are you, and i'm so sorry ,[/size][/font]
- - - - - - - - - i cannot sleep, i cannot dream tonight .[/size][/center]

The way Colin saw it, there was no changing what had happened. As much as he wished he could go back and be there to beat the shit out of Anders, he couldn't. And there was really no reason for him to be blaming Anne - it wasn't her fault that she had been betrayed by someone she thought was a friend and attacked by some asshole. Colin wasn't going to be one of those guys who got mad at their girlfriends for stupid things. Like that guy on that stupid Gossip Girl show that Rylee had made him watch once - he had actually gotten mad at his girlfriend because she didn't want to go to the same college as him. That, ladies and gentlemen, is what we call a pissy bitch. And Colin was not a pissy bitch. Most of the time, he was a pretty chill guy. He wasn't going to let that change.

Colin smiled at Anne was the broke apart, listening to her words with a small smile on his face. Honestly, he was so goddamn happy right now. Despite the fact that Anne had had something absolutely terrible happen to her, they were still having this incredible moment. He had managed to get her to smile. That seemed to be a feat, seeing as it was the first time that the boy had seen his girl smile that day. "Clearly because we are the stupidest people alive." He said with a laugh.

The boy shifted a little uncomfortably as Anne listed off the things he was to her. That was... a lot. It felt like a huge weight had now been put on his shoulders. Like Anne's entire happiness was weighted on him. It had been like that before, but now that they had kissed... it just seemed to be so much bigger. It was like a huge chest of drawers were now sitting on his chest. Was he still breathing? He wasn't sure. "How about we just be Colin and Anne for awhile? The boy said quietly, kissing the top of Anne's head. For as long as he could remember they had always had some kind of nickname, some kind of epic pairing - like Batman and Robin. Maybe now it was time for them to just be... them.

[ooc|| short. D:]

[/size][/blockquote]

[☮ ♥ ada]

come up to meet you, tell you i’m sorry,
you don’t know how lovely you are.

[/font]
Anne smiled as Colin mentioned their stupidity. It was true, they probably were the stupidest people alive, and Anne would admit it. Honestly, she didn’t care whether she was being stupid with Colin or not. Everything with him just… flowed. Whether they were being complete idiots around each other or being completely serious, it was always completely perfect. Anne felt herself easing back into the comfort zone of Colin and Anne and smiled.

“How about we just be Colin and Anne for awhile?”

Anne’s smile faded and she looked down at the ground, feeling her composure crumble again. She knew he hadn’t meant it to hurt her, but right now, that was all Colin’s comment seemed to do to Anne. It was like taking the giant step and then figuring out your crush wanted to be ‘just friends’… only they were already more than ‘just friends’. ‘Just friends’ didn’t include kissing and cuddling and dancing together. ‘Just friends’ didn’t include saying you loved one another and sincerely meaning it. And she was pretty sure ‘just friends’ didn’t include the sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach, nor the walls rising up again, nor the furrowing of her brow or the annoyance she felt pulling at her heartstrings.

She gulped down the lump in her throat, put on a reassuring smile, and looked back up at Colin. “That sounds good,” she said, making sure her voice didn’t sound weak or angered. She knew that if things were going to happen with Colin, they were going to happen slowly. After all, she’d made most of the moves in their awkward relationship: admitting she liked him first, asking him to dance, kissing him, and now asking if they were boyfriend and girlfriend. Clearly, something was fucked up, and that something was Colin and his stupid commitment issues. She didn’t even know why they existed; maybe it was something that had happened with his ex-girlfriend? Anne had always blocked what little she knew about Jamie out of her head. She found herself getting jealous of her often, even though she was clearly a part of his past and she didn’t matter to him anymore. Still, it was times like these when she wondered if having a boyfriend before Colin would have helped with her awkward boy skills. Maybe then she’d have known what to do in a situation like this…[/blockquote][/blockquote]